iN THE MIDDLE
Between lines to follow and paths to draw, I'm in the middle. Between fears to listen and advice to take, I'm still in the middle. Between classes to understand and ideas to explain, I'm still in the middle. Between stories to create and stories to tell, I'm still in the middle. Between my family and my dreams, I'm still in the middle. Between who I was before and who I want to be, I'm still here, in the middle. This stage is harder than I thought, my aspirations are hundreds of miles away, and I, well, I'm still here in the middle. Being in the middle is uncertain, it is cold, delicate and fragile, if I take a false step, it may all fall and be destroyed. I didn't think God had created me to be in the middle, until I claimed him, until I was honest with him and told him I didn't want to stay here, in the middle. God is clear and he does not walk around, the more I seek and the more questions I ask him, he finds a way to teach me the answers that I am looking in other places.
‘So you don't like being in the middle? Well, life has a beginning, a desire. Your goal is not a complete aspiration, it is an end. Do you want to live without enjoying the process? Who made you think that the battlefield is during the exam and not during the study, is not that where you find yourself? Is not that where you find out how fragile, vulnerable and sensitive you are? Your weaknesses are not barriers, your weaknesses is the place where I prepare myself so that you, in your humanity, see my divine power.’
God has done it before, and I know that God will continue to do it now. I'm his child, I'm his daughter. He is my God, he is my father. The same God who took his time to create the earth is taking the time to write my story. God in his infinite power is holding my soul with his two hands.
Between a life with problems and a life surrounded by blessings, kindness and grace. I'd rather be in the middle, in constant battle. I'd rather be in the middle, on the edge of my strength for him to intervene and see his grace. I prefer to be in the middle, where according to the world I have nothing, but inside me I know that I have everything because I have him. I prefer to have to go from time to time for gray days, to appreciate when God arrives in his immense sunrises. I prefer to be here in the middle, in the cold, so that the moment I sing a song I can feel its warmth inside me. I prefer to be here, among the uncertainty of where I will be tomorrow, because I know that I am not the one who has control of my life, but God who directs me day by day.
I prefer to be here in the middle, in my imperfection and impulses, to recognize when I failed and to know that it is God acting in my life. If being in the middle is an option, I prefer to live consecutively in the process. And that my achievements are not considered final lines, but new beginnings and new introductions of the plans that God has for me. In the processes you not only learn, but in them God molds me.
The flame I have inside me is growing, and this passion for serving God is spreading. It is troubling me, it is bothering me when I do not do something. It motivates me to move on, when I want to fall and quit. But I know that is how God’s answers work, if I try to understand them reading, I won’t succeed. The only way I can understand them to experience it.
My success will not consist of me, preaching behind a pulpit, having a good husband, a few children and dogs, my success is here, in the process, recognizing that without deserving it, God is working on me for one day to be in my dreams and start from zeros over and over again.
Between being someone and being forgotten, I am here, being a daughter of God. Between thinking and proclaiming the words I would like to share, I am here in the middle... Writing.